Do you recognize this girl? She used to blog here regularly up until a month ago...
Why, hello! How are all of you? I know it seems like I have disappeared... last month was a toughie: Not only did my computer unexpectedly die but, more devastating than that, so did my cat, Leo. You spotted a tiny glimpse of him in my Halloween post. He was my first pet, my first cat and, quite often, the best furry animal I owned when I was little. We adopted him and his brother when I was right around ten years old (maybe younger... hard to remember) so we spent many years together. He was super snuggly and always there when I needed to cry in his fur, to be honest.
Getting the call that Friday morning from my sister was one of the worst moments of my life. She was in hysterics. My mom had to get on the phone to tell me that Leo could barely move his legs and didn't seem like himself. (Leo lived at my parents house because he had lived there for so long when I moved out, I didn't want to disrupt his life with a move.) All I remember is somehow getting dressed while bawling and making the drive to my parent's house. I spent a good hour snuggling him before we took him to the vet. I knew it wasn't going to end well... my poor kitty just wasn't right.
My parents ultimately left the choice up to me. The vet told me it was most likely a blood clot or cancer that could not have been caught until it was too late - basically until it was at this point. All I wanted her to do was fix him at any cost but she said there was nothing that could be done. especially at the age he was. Honestly, I guess I lived in a dream land because I never thought I would be at the point where I would have to make the sort of choice I had to make... I guess I liked to think that when Leo's time was up, he would silently go in his sleep. I'm sure we all wish that, right? Anyway, I told the vet I needed more time so my parents, sister and I spent probably about another hour (that felt like 2 minutes) snuggling Leo and crying together... I prayed to God that he would just go on his own but it didn't happen so I ultimately made the choice to help him pass. The idea that he might be in any sort of pain is the only thing that lead me to this decision. I can't tell you how much I wanted to walk back out that vet door with him in my arms to take him home and let him go on his own... but the idea that he could be in pain... I just couldn't do it.
So, that's where I've been. I know a lot of people who don't have pets, don't care for pets or cats or what have you may not understand how hard this hit me. I spent the first two weeks literally crying on a daily basis and am just now beginning to heal. I've lost pets in the past, yes, but they were never pets that solely belonged to me where I had to make the decision on what to do. I grappled with a lot of guilt after the whole thing. I felt like I did something wrong... that I should have taken him home... that I could have done something more. There is still a small part of me that feels that way and probably always will, but the bigger part of that feeling is gone. He's not in pain. That is the more important part that I can focus on along with all the wonderful memories we had together. I firmly believe that pets are parts of your family (so long as you treat them as such) and I am feeling that empty feeling that goes along with that.
As a result, I've been away from the blog for a while. The cloud of sadness and negativity that has trailed me this month was not something that I wanted to share or wish upon anyone. I'm feeling more upbeat so I am hoping to get back to things, albeit slowly but surely. I hope you'll follow along. <3
(This turned out a lot longer and wordy than I had planned... I know this is a style blog, but real life is real life. Thank you for reading!)
